The Five Times I Was Suspended in Middle School
(All names are altered out of consideration.)
Dodson Middle School, part of the Los Angeles Unified School District
1. The Protractor Incident
My first suspension was in Mr. DeSousa’s design class. Sitting behind me, Jessica Herrera asked to borrow my protractor. I said, “Sure,” and I tossed my protractor at her (a flimsy, cardboard thing). I accidentally hit her cheek. I apologized, but she started crying. I felt terrible. Mr. DeSousa sent us both to the dean. An hour later, she was still crying. Her parents took her home, and I was suspended for three days.
2. The Cheating Scandal
Lacey Predergast was my first girlfriend in 6th grade. Our relationship lasted two weeks, until I broke up with her by telling one of her friends. As time went on, Lacey became very popular. I did not, but Lacey and I stayed friends. In 7th grade, Lacey stole a teacher’s copy of the week’s English vocabulary test. Through Lacey’s popularity, she distributed the answers to nearly every 7th grader. Later that day (before I had the opportunity to cheat), the teachers learned about the scandal and brought every 7th grader into the auditorium. Lacey was publicly shamed, and the teachers asked who else cheated or had the intention to cheat. They promised nothing would happen if we raised our hands. A good boy with a good conscience, I raised my hand. Those of us who raised our hands were immediately suspended. The teachers betrayed us. I knew then they were wrong to do that.
3. The Printer Incident
In Mrs. Schneider’s science class, my friend James and I finished our work early, and we asked to use the computers in back. Mrs. Schneider said “Sure.” Games (and anything fun) were banned on school computers, so James and I played with Microsoft Word. We discovered that we could access different printers in other classrooms via the school’s ethernet. We wrote a message to our history teacher, Mrs. Dallman, and we printed it on Mrs. Dallman’s classroom printer (using Mrs. Schneider’s computer). The message said: “Hello, Mrs. Dallman,” and it was surrounded by a bunch of Wingdings. We didn’t think anything of it. My friend in that class told me what happened: Mrs. Dallman was in the middle of a lecture when her printer turned on. She walked across the room — in silence — and pulled the paper from her suddenly sentient printer. When she read the message addressed to her, she was afraid. She asked the school’s IT department to track down the “hackers” who did this. James and I were suspended.
4. Courtesy Day
Every student at Dodson had to take a P.E. class. Inevitably, a student would disrupt class, and they would be punished. Dodson was different. Rather than punish the misbehaving student, they would punish the entire P.E. class. And not only would they punish the entire P.E. class for that period, but they would punish every P.E. class the entire day. It was known as a “Courtesy Day,” and the intention was to use public shaming as a deterrent. During this courtesy day, someone misbehaved in 3rd period P.E., and I was punished in 6th period P.E. Our punishments were to hold our arms outstretched as long as possible, run laps, and run laps with our arms outstretched. While we were running, the P.E. teachers ran alongside us and passed out fliers to encourage us to “find our our ideal heart rates.” They were sadists. They posted these fliers outside their office. After an hour of punishment (for a crime I didn’t commit), I was furious. I ripped off all the fliers from the P.E. office, wiped them in my sweat, and threw them inside the office, glaring at the P.E. teachers as I did it. I was suspended for two days.
5. The Rock Incident
Sitting on the hot, black asphalt in P.E., Mrs. Opal was taking attendance. I noticed I was sitting on a rock. I flicked the rock away. It hit Mrs. Opal on the cheek. She said, “Ohh! … Was that a rock?” She decided it was. I was in disbelief. Was it my rock? I was sitting far away, and I flicked my rock inaccurately. It couldn’t have been. It’s true, a part of me did want to hit Mrs. Opal. I despised her (as I despised most of my P.E. teachers), but I couldn’t believe I hit her from so far. When Mrs. Opal threatened a “Courtesy Day,” I confessed. I apologized and said it was an accident (omitting the part of me that did want to hit her). I was suspended for three days.
Memories
I remember helping D.J. plant marijuana seeds on the 8th grade lawn. I remember being corrected online when I misspelled my favorite band as “Limp Biscuit.” I remember wearing black every day. I remember closing the windows and doors (and turning on the fan) before torturing my Geometry teacher with fart spray. I remember the “kissing game” in 6th grade Drama, when the girl I had a crush on ran away when it was my turn to kiss her. I remember staring at clocks, watching the second hand jiggle after every tick. I remember feeling like a hero when I stole Mr. Schrader’s metal pole, which he banged on tables to scare us. I remember the two girls who invited me into bathrooms, but I was too shy and said “no.” I remember laughing when my friends and I got back at the metal-heads who harassed us (by putting fart bombs in a plastic bag filled with air, knowing they couldn’t resist stomping on it). I remember Michael laying on his desk in class, eyes wide, pretending he was dead, until I’d notice and laugh. I remember the “nothing to lose vibe” of the girl who strolled across the 8th grade lawn and told me she wanted to kiss me. Her lack of fear scared me, and I said “no.” Months later, she jumped off a cliff and survived. More than anything, I remember the feeling of depression. I didn’t have the emotional tools to understand it, and I wouldn’t for years.
A Bit of Family History…
This photo was taken in post-World War 2 Germany. On the left is my Grandpa Vladimir Pavlov. He died before I was born, so I never met him. Twenty years ago, my grandma remarried his close friend — Wes Stanchev (on the right) — and he became “Grandpa Wes.”
Grandpa Wes died in 2020 of a heart attack.
Vladimir Pavlov lived an interesting life. Born in Saint Petersburg, he was orphaned during the Russian Revolution. His father, a Captain, was killed in WW1, and his mother died of the Great Influenza. He studied chemistry at the University of Leningrad, until he was conscripted into two wars: the Russo-Finnish War and the WW2 Eastern Front. He survived WW2 as a POW — an experience which killed 57.5% of all Soviet POWs in German captivity. After the Americans liberated his POW camp (and after he lost teeth due to starvation), he worked at an American military garage in Germany, where he met “Grandpa Wes.” Because he had no family and no home (the Siege of Leningrad was the most destructive siege in human history), he decided to immigrate to America. He moved to LA, where he met my grandma, dancing at the “Polka Palace.” (Their first date was at a museum.) He was a musician, he spoke seven languages, and he was a relative of the Nobel Prize winner Ivan Pavlov (of “Pavlov’s Dogs”). I never met him, but I bet we would’ve had really interesting conversations. (“What was it like being in Saint Petersburg during the Russian Revolution?” “Did you ever see Rasputin wandering around?” etc.)
Grandpa Wes was born in Bulgaria. He survived WW2 as a forced laborer in Nazi Germany. Days before the war’s end, he escaped with a close friend, only to be strafed by an American fighter pilot thinking they were Germans. His friend was killed. He witnessed the meeting of the American and Soviet troops on the River Elbe. After meeting Grandpa Pavlov at the military garage, he maneuvered his way to America, where he was immediately drafted into the Korean War. He said my Grandpa Pavlov was the only person who ever wrote to him when he was on the front lines with the 11th Airborne. He expressed gratitude for this for the rest of his life.
After the war, he returned to Bulgaria to see his family, when his mother was killed in a bus accident. He never went back. His early life was full of tragedies, and he’d bitterly complain that “people live too long.” Still, he found contentment in my family. He used to pick me up from school, and we got to know each other. We ate at the Olive Garden in Torrance a few times a year for over 20 years. We’d order the same thing — Chicken Scampi, veggies on the side — and we’d have long conversations about history. (“What was it like being in Germany after the Battle of Stalingrad?” “Did the Germans know what it meant?” etc.) I miss that.
Although I never met Grandpa Pavlov, I knew he was intelligent, because Grandpa Wes was. I knew he was loyal, because Grandpa Wes was. And I knew he was ethical, because Grandpa Wes was. I told Grandpa Wes this before he died. He was grateful. He said I was the son he never had. And to me, he was the grandpa I never met.
This is my Grandpa Pavlov’s Leica that I recently inherited. The serial number is 177741, which means it was made in 1935, and it’s a Leica I “Standard” Model. My grandpa probably bought it used after he immigrated. He was poor, so that’s why he bought the “stripped down” version. I took it to a camera shop recently, and the owner gave me a $600 estimate to repair it. He called himself “the Ferarri of Leica repairmen.” (My gut says I’ll find a better deal elsewhere — ideally from “the Prius of Leica repairmen.”)
When I start posting grainy film photos, I’ll be shooting them with this.
Archive: Articles I Wrote for MTV.com
Articles I wrote for MTV.com, years ago.
ANDY SAMBERG, CHILDHOOD PALS MOVE FROM CRAMPED APARTMENT TO 'SNL' TO 'HOT ROD' MOVIE SET
BEVERLY HILLS, California — By now, you've probably sung along with Justin Timberlake to "Di-- in a Box," forwarded the "Lazy Sunday" viral video and laughed at a few of Andy Samberg's other "Saturday Night Live" breakout moments.
But how much do you know about Samberg's Lonely Island?
The depressing name represents a carefree comedy troupe for the Internet generation, and the trio's first feature film — the outrageous "Hot Rod" — could be the group's next comedic treasure to come out of the box.
"They come from a different kind of sensibility," "Deadwood" star Ian McShane said, discussing his and Oscar-winning actress Sissy Spacek's unexpected participation in "Rod." "It's not the usual stuff. It's quite insane."
That insanity scored big time two weeks ago, as the Lonely Island trio landed a shocking Emmy nomination for "Di-- in a Box" (see "Justin Timberlake May Add Emmy To That Box: 'SNL' Viral Hit Nominated"). "That's about as surprising as it gets," grinned Samberg, who is joined by writer/actor Jorma Taccone and writer/director Akiva Schaffer in Lonely Island. "I can't tell if the process was more exciting — or [if it's] the idea that someone's gonna have to do that engraving if we win."
"It's still amazing to me to walk down the halls of 'SNL,' " Taccone said of their newfound fame. "You see pictures of the greatest comedians we grew up worshiping, basically. It's crazy to be able to still work there."
Before the popularity, movie deal and Emmy nomination, Samberg, Schaffer and Taccone started off like so many other viral-video stars: as friends with a video camera and an offbeat sense of humor. "We all grew up together and went to the same junior high and high school," Schaffer remembered of their 2001 launch. "After college we reconvened, moved to L.A. and lived in an apartment. And any dudes who live in an apartment will usually give it a name — ours was called 'The Lonely Island.' "
From that Lonely apartment — whose name aptly reveals its lack of dudettes — the three buddies filmed short comedy sketches using their modest means to the max.
"The Internet is encouraging a bunch of people to make comedies and any other kind of art," Samberg said of the viral-video revolution that rose up alongside them. "People who never in a million years would've tried [to make a movie] now have the opportunity to. It doesn't cost anything, and you can get it up there and be discovered in an instant."
Exhibit A is the Lonely Island trio, whose hilarious shorts "White Power," "Regarding Andy" and "Awesometown" were eventually discovered by "SNL" creator Lorne Michaels, with some help from one of his famous employees. "I found them, oddly enough, at the MTV Movie Awards," Michaels recalled. "Jimmy Fallon was hosting, and we were talking, and he said, 'There are these guys writing on the [awards show] who are very funny. They're the first ones in and last to leave. I think they're really original.' "
"[Michaels] called us in and offered all three of us auditions," Schaffer remembered. "Andy got [cast as a performer], and me and Jorma got put on as writers. So we all got hired together."
Since their 2005 "SNL" debut, Lonely Island's wholly original "Digital Shorts" have ranged from the hilariously thuggish "Day in the Life of Natalie Portman" to the "Chronicles of Narnia" rap "Lazy Sunday." The trio have spread their bizarre humor far and wide. "I saw [their videos] when I was filming in Romania," laughed 64-year-old tough guy McShane, admitting he's not exactly their target demographic. "One of the few things in Romania that made me laugh there was watching ... 'Di-- in a Box.' "
Now, just a few years after they made do in their shared apartment, the Lonely Island group received stars, a budget and a soundstage for "Hot Rod." "[Movies] are basically the same thing we were doing in our apartment," laughed Schaffer, who directed the flick. "Sometimes they're done exactly the same way. ... But within 24 hours I can say, 'We need a bedroom set, we need a fireplace, I need these kind of costumes, and we need all this,' and the set and wardrobe people can put it together — which, obviously, we couldn't do living in our apartment."
"We were putting up our stuff on [the Internet] when we didn't have jobs," laughed Taccone, who plays Samberg's pajama-clad brother in "Rod." "[Back then], we were just using our [digital] shorts as an excuse to not work."
"It's definitely arguable that we wouldn't have made 'Hot Rod' without the Internet," admitted Samberg, insisting that the flick is no different than what's come before it. "I would love to see this movie made, period, with or without me. It really fits our sensibility."
"Each comedy troupe is different; you hopefully develop your own style," Schaffer agreed. "I know for the movie itself we tried to make it surreal and weird, as well as silly and funny."
And as for the question they're most commonly asked: The Lonely Island guys say they're not quite sure where concepts like "Di-- in a Box," "George Jack Washington" and "Laser Cats" come from.
"We're constantly shooting each other's [ideas] down," Schaffer said of their process. "And then we're constantly also trusting each other and going, 'All right, let's try it. I don't think it'll work, but we'll try your stupid thing.' "
And what heights await the Lonely Islanders next?
"Dude, we made a movie!" said proud papa Samberg. "We're on 'Saturday Night Live,' and then we made a movie! ... If it never gets better than this, I'll be happy. Making this movie with my buddies, and working on 'SNL,' those were my dreams. Those two things are all I ever wanted out of my career, and now they've happened. So everything from this point on is icing."
"[What we make now is] the same thing we've been making for the last five years," Taccone said. Then, with pride, he added: "They're also the same sensibility that we've had since we were 12 years old."
ADVENTURES ON SET: 'FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL'
HOLLYWOOD, California — Standing in front of Hollywood's Egyptian Theater, a woman from the costume department eyeballed me like I had a visible tapeworm infection. "You'll need a wardrobe change," she said. I had never been to a movie shoot before; I just started interning at MTV a few weeks ago, and already I was standing in the heart of Hollywood Boulevard, embarrassing myself in front of my primly dressed co-workers.
I was a huge fan of "The 40 Year Old Virgin" and "Knocked Up", so coming to the "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" shoot was a dream come true. It stars Kristen Bell and Jason Segel and will be out in spring of '08, and it's produced by the refreshingly raunchy Judd Apatow.
The scene that was filmed last night was your typical red-carpet moment, where fictional TV superstar Sarah Marshall (Bell) emerges from her limousine and casually walks past a throng of camera flashes and screaming fans. MTV's Liz Hernandez plays herself in the movie (her feature film debut - Liz was so excited!), and asks Bell's character a few questions on camera.
The joke of the scene is that Segal's character is the never-noticed boyfriend of the famous person. In various takes, Apatow's crew would bang him in the face with a boom, make him hold Bell's purse, etc. Funny stuff.
The wardrobe people fitted me with black pants and a "CREW" t-shirt, and the Baca-like assistant director herded me into the mass of extras. It was here that I discovered the microcosm of the bigger film industry. I saw the issue-ridden, future Oscar winners trying to break into a speaking role (one guy even did push-ups between takes in his tuxedo!). They were a bit sad, honestly, and probably crazy enough to preserve the dandruff they've accumulated from rubbing against even C-list actors.
Others, however, were genuinely sweet and talkative. I saw old folks spending their thinning years having fun on the shoot. When they made old-people jokes to each other, I had one of those "life is grand" feelings that come and go.
Between takes, the crew would let a river of backed-up Hollywood tourists flow past Kristen Bell's limo. One whispered to another "Isn't that Veronica Mars?" At one point, Bell saw a bride-to-be on a pub crawl, and let out a hoot of approval.
Soon enough, everyone disappeared for an 11:30 PM "lunch" once the scene was finished.
Then Liz Hernandez and the rest of the MTV crew filmed real interviews with Kristen Bell and Jason Segel. They played off each other very well, and their personal humor and intelligence brushed away my fear of it becoming your typical hackneyed romantic comedy. Honestly, the movie seems like it's in good hands.
I left the shoot feeling that some Hollywood stereotypes really were true - but that didn't keep me from feeling very excited for what could be another Apatow hit.
http://www.mtv.com/news/2428852/adventures-on-set-forgetting-sarah-marshall/